earlier this afternoon, i announced tonight’s surprise, healthy, vegan dinner!  yeah!  three cheers for healthy dinners!


it’s raining, so i drove to the grocery rather than bicycling.  it’s a three-mile trip.  they had everything except for the daiya vegan cheese.

i thought, “ok. fine. whatever. driving to the next grocery is no biggie.  they almost always carry daiya.”  

so i made the five mile trip. and guess what?


i huffed and puffed a big fat “fuck” to the dairy aisle, almost storming out of the grocery; but i rather decided to ask the weird-looking big girl for help.  questioning her ever so nicely about the whereabouts of daiya, i maintained my composure.  her response was, “et’s en arganics.”  

i replied, “no, it is not organic.  but i will check anyway.”


so i went back to pick a fight.  the girl tried to argue with me that daiya is, indeed, “ARGANIC because it’s a health product” and my head thought, “christ, this girl’s biggie sized every french fry in her life, and she’s trying to counsel ME on organics when she can’t even pronounce it?”  

then her carrot top manager noticed the commotion and sauntered toward us.  he said, “hi, how are you?”  i replied, “annoyed, and you?”  carrot top: “i’m peachy keen!”

i wanted to punch him in the face . . . then he continued to explain, in response to my questioning, that no inventory system exists to determine of whether or not daiya exists anywhere in the store.  i stormed out, deciding to address this store’s incompetence with corporate tomorrow.

10 miles later, i arrived to the next grocery store, the one that i KNEW carried the vegan cheese from the very beginning, but it’s the store that i avoided because i would be compelled to buy and therefore eat the dried fruit & nuts which i didn’t earn today.  so i worried about the dried fruit & nuts, during the entire 10 mile drive, worried that i would fail my dinner commitment to my blog readers, and worried that i wouldn’t be able to eat dinner because the dried fruit & nuts would cap my daily allowance and therefore ruin my evening.

sure enough, i went straight for the nuts!, seeking the daiya cheese as my secondary mission.  i photographed the dried fruit & nuts, in front of the cheese, just for irony purposes.

the dried fruit & nuts successfully taunted me.  it also taunted the vegan cheese.

during the 18 mile drive home, i ate the dried fruit & nuts, deciding to post this nasty entry, showing my blog readers that life after bingeing and purging is not all rainbows and ‘my little ponies.’

it’s hard.

so tonight will just be my raw tofu and pasta sauce (since that’s what i bought instead of salsa for the original planned dinner).  sorry to disappoint on the grand culinary experience, but i’ll make up for it soon.

i’m sorry for thinking bad things about the grocery girl and her manager.  i, more than anyone, should know that images deceive.  the girl could be bulimic.  for all that i know, the manager could be struggling with deep sadness but putting on a “peachy keen” front.  my heart is sorry to both for my rash thoughts and behaviour.

now i’m drinking this with gwendolyn.

we’re blogging from bed!  my heart no longer wants to beat out of its chest.  i am calm.  i am happy.  i am the exbulimic.

the end!

© nicole marie story and nicoleandgwendolyn.com, 2011.