i’ve been a dishonest, manic, exbulimic bitch.  and for that, i’m sorry.

this has bugged me, eating at my soul, for the last 24 hours; and i’m hereby apologising to my readers, especially to my sister lisa.

yesterday, i deceptively altered two comments appearing at the blog article entitled, “homecoming queen.”  falsification of information in my blog communication has NEVER happened before this moment, and it shall NEVER happen again.

this what you see:


this is what you should see, my original comment, including the deleted material, in bold:

lisa, perhaps i shouldn’t have used the term of “sisters” in this post. my other sister has admitted that she resented me and didn’t understand. but you? you’ve again just stung me like a bee, similar to the situation presented here: (http://nicoleandgwendolyn.com/2011/08/02/stinging-like-a-bee/). you are a sad person, but i thank you for commenting. x

PS: good luck losing the baby weight.

below the surface, i know this fat jab hurt my sister, who recently birthed a child, hurting her for reasons that i cannot share.  but i’m not a spiteful person anymore, and i immediately wished to rescind my manic comment because of an obligation to my readers, and to myself.  so i deleted it.  i deleted the fat jab.

but the damage had been done, dishonesty created.  lisa’s response makes so much more sense with the deleted information, especially the part of, “she can dish it out but can’t take it.”

but this is not her entire comment.  the following is her full comment, screen shot captured from my email, deleted material (second paragraph) included:


NEVER have i embellished ANY of my blog writing.  therefore, i wanted to punch my sister in the face for having written her final paragraph.

i was angry, enraged!  feeling so worthless, as though my blog and intentions to educate others is mockery to my family, my stomach felt emptier than it did during the most horrific of purges.  i pour my heart and soul into this blog and to have my sister, one with whom i haven’t lived since BEFORE this letter from 2002 was written, is absurd.  she doesn’t know me.  and frankly, i don’t know of how my bulimia affected her.  she assumed her right to comment from her honest perspective, just as i write from my honest perspective, but i chose to delete her comment, in fear that it would jeopardise my blog relationships.  my actions were wrong.

this blog is cathartic for me, and perhaps it’s cathartic for lisa, too.  i should invite her feedback, as cynical as she might be.  her comments add strength to my cause, showing others that they’re not alone with family issues.  hell, my eating disorder started in 1999.  it’s 2012, and the family heartache burns brighter and more ferociously than ever, as you can see.  i want lisa to express her thoughts in a healthy manner.  bulimics aren’t alone with their need to heal.  families must heal, too.

furthermore, sisters, at least in my opinion, are generally close, so i feared that blog readers would second guess my character, one that my sister knows nothing about.  lisa is my sister.  but she is not my friend.  we haven’t been friends since the fateful day that monsieur eating disorder knocked at my family’s beautiful suburban door in 1999.

please know that nicoleandgwendolyn.com delivers only the honest, freaking, brutal truth.  and i’m sorry for deceiving you.

this was difficult for me to write because it shows that i’m not a perfectionist.  oh freaking well.

hopeful for your forgiveness, i stand before you, ready to be judged, with my scarlet letter.

17th February 1926: Lillian Gish (1893 – 1993) is punished for bearing a child out of wedlock in the film ‘The Scarlet Letter’, a 17th century melodrama directed by Victor Sjostrom.

© nicole marie story and nicoleandgwendolyn.com, 2011, 2012.