Valentine’s Day marks my anniversary with the eating disorder. It was the fourteenth of February of nineteen ninety nine when I started THE diet that took me to 89 pounds, crossing the line to bulimia just six months later, lasting another eleven years plus five more of very disordered consumption behaviours. And yesterday? On my sixteenth anniversary with the eating disorder? As I stretched in bed, the most luxurious stretch that I’ve ever had, I felt a sparkle from head to toe. And all of a sudden? It was over.

I wasn’t hungry anymore.

I wasn’t hungry for hunger.

Food wasn’t the first thing on my mind.

And I wanted nothing to do with it, out of habit, out of want, out of what-have-you.

I didn’t want my tofu burrito by Whole Foods. I didn’t want my kimchi. I didn’t want a cookie bigger than my head. I didn’t want chocolates that generally decorate Valentine’s Day. I didn’t want anything.

Later in the day, when I needed to eat, I picked something completely different than anything I’ve eaten in the past 16 years. two moms in the raw blueberry nut bar. and grapes.

 

and suddenly, my body felt more alive than its ever felt in my life.

on my anniversary with ED, on the most romantic day of the year, after 16 years of marriage, i ended it.

i need a break from blogging.

i’ll see you soon.

have a good day, and namaste.