That is the number one thing that people request when they read my eating disorder warrior story. “Please help with my eating disorder.” And it happened yesterday when I posted this picture with this caption to Facebook:
“I always like to remind my friends and followers that I haven’t always been thin and healthy and joyful. In fact, just five years ago, sober from bulimia for three years, I found myself eating liberally again and therefore fat. It was a chaotic life. Collectively, I lived 17 years of disordered eating. From 1999 to 2016, I lived on the weight yo yo of 89 to 181 pounds. Up and down that scale so hard that I should be dead or require a power supply for my heart. I am so grateful that it’s still pumping, healthfully so, and that I have perfect tooth enamel despite years of vomiting my guts and pizza and cookies etcetera. What finally helped me to kill the disorder? What helped me to achieve joyful living? It was @garyvee and his influence over my long time blog work. It was @onepeloton which helped me to find breath in my yoga practice. And it was discovering of and living by MY UNIQUE VERSION OF HEALTHY, completely unaffected by the fact that my way is not mainstream but knowing that it is mainstream for me. Don’t stop trying, friends, to get what you want.”
So how do I reply?
With this blog post, I reply.
The only person who is qualified to help you is you. Yes, there exist tools, there exist methods, there exist secret potions, but at the end of the day, you are the doctor of, the CEO of, the owner of your body and of your behaviors. Nobody on Earth knows you as intimately as you do, and nobody can make decisions for you, other than yourself. Be strong, and get to work.
I am fortunate because I documented the process. You see me as a healthy, joyful, vibrant human being. Well I have seven years of blog work to which I can refer you, showing you the tar and feathers that I fought every damn day to free myself from the bondage of an eating disorder.
When I started my blog in June 2011, it was a celebration of one-year free from bulimia. Ending 11 years of bulimia and living without bingeing and purging for one year, meant, to me, that I deserved a pedestal, that I deserved to be the poster face for the ex-bulimic lifestyle. Little did I realise that I was still madly disordered and the blog basically documented that fact and my hard work to kill it. I didn’t realise that I was publishing the raw work, as, at the time, I thought it was the healthy work. Documenting the process unknowingly might have been one of the best decisions of my life!! There is nothing like it on Earth.
I always like to refer my readers to this post, the one that marked the end to my eating disorder: Existing in a Vessel of Happiness.
Someone left this comment at the Peloton Official Riders forum, and it really hit home,
“Thank you for sharing your story – you are very brave to put it all out there – but know how so very important it is to be vocal about your struggles because if you touch just one person who has lived in that black hole alone (it will be many more for sure) it will be miraculous and life-changing. I am 1 month into recovery and the fog is lifting – your story inspires me to keep going – I know a better place exists and I see the bright light at the end of the tunnel already. ❤ ” – quoted, the beautiful Michelle Chase Sarao.
I am publishing a book in August which tells the WHOLE story. It’s so powerful and I hope it will help so many humans.
Love love love love love love love love love yourself so hard that you’re unwilling to accept anything but treating your body like a golden temple. Namaste.