i’m gonna put it all out there.

these, dear readers, are breasts on bulimia:

i was 25, and the weight had reduced, yet again.  (see article: deception, in pictures).

although my body was small, my breasts remained huge and unhealthy, more fitting of my 181-pound version.  in fact, they hung low, and they “wobbled to and fro,” hovering about an inch from the belly button.

complimenting my secret life, my breasts remained hidden.  i spent an hour each morning, successfully duct taping them, wrapping them around my sides, to my back, creating a flat-chested effect.  my innocently clueless, very well educated man friend didn’t even know about the “real state” of my breasts until just before my breast surgery, when he noticed the rivets and scarred skin resulting from the duct tape.  gwendolyn, watching as a puppy from the bed, cocked her head to my evening screams, as i removed the tape, sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly, opening yesterday’s scars and tending to the blood.  shamefully, i was so very good at lying and hiding.

after the breast reduction and lift, i became so sick from surgical anesthesia that i learnt to vomit without the usage of fingers.  i was naturally sick, for the first time in decades, as vomit is natural accompaniment to sickness.  learning to vomit without fingers helped for the next two years, to intensify my bulimia, to maintain my weight, and to fake everyone into believing that i was healthy.  as stated through deception, in pictures, aside from the purging, bulimia is basically silent.  someone can suffer without ever being noticed, because they look normal.

but bulimia is not normal.  it is deadly.

do breasts really matter in the big scheme of life?  absolutely not.  but to a 25-year-old girl, having droopier boobs than a grandmother who had birthed nine children, breasts certainly mattered, especially to an aesthetically conscious bulimic.  arranging my breasts to look “good” was more important than correcting my gingivitis.  breasts or teeth?

i’ve recently begun to promote this blog site through my twitter account, sadly observing commentary such as, “time to get bulimic, prom is next week!” and “seeking tips on how to be bulimic, help!”  the same generic professional advice exists as it did when i started, over 12 years ago.  in fact, pro-eating disorder websites seem to greatly outnumber professional assistance sites.  i always knew that i’d one day use my experiences to help others, and now i have that chance.

girls, look at my photographs.  avoid this!  love your bodies, enjoy exercise, embrace nutritious food . . . and drink a gin martini!  the alcohol calories won’t hurt you.  🙂

i hope this article proves my desire to raise awareness about eating disorders.  i know what i’m talking about.  when i’ve proven my credibility and dedication to this cause, please subscribe to my blog and follow me on twitter @nicolemstory9.

with raw love,

nicole

© nicole marie story and nicoleandgwendolyn.com, 2011.