i’m gonna put it all out there.
these, dear readers, are breasts on bulimia:
i was 25, and the weight had reduced, yet again. (see article: deception, in pictures).
although my body was small, my breasts remained huge and unhealthy, more fitting of my 181-pound version. in fact, they hung low, and they “wobbled to and fro,” hovering about an inch from the belly button.
complimenting my secret life, my breasts remained hidden. i spent an hour each morning, successfully duct taping them, wrapping them around my sides, to my back, creating a flat-chested effect. my innocently clueless, very well educated man friend didn’t even know about the “real state” of my breasts until just before my breast surgery, when he noticed the rivets and scarred skin resulting from the duct tape. gwendolyn, watching as a puppy from the bed, cocked her head to my evening screams, as i removed the tape, sometimes slowly and sometimes quickly, opening yesterday’s scars and tending to the blood. shamefully, i was so very good at lying and hiding.
after the breast reduction and lift, i became so sick from surgical anesthesia that i learnt to vomit without the usage of fingers. i was naturally sick, for the first time in decades, as vomit is natural accompaniment to sickness. learning to vomit without fingers helped for the next two years, to intensify my bulimia, to maintain my weight, and to fake everyone into believing that i was healthy. as stated through deception, in pictures, aside from the purging, bulimia is basically silent. someone can suffer without ever being noticed, because they look normal.
but bulimia is not normal. it is deadly.
do breasts really matter in the big scheme of life? absolutely not. but to a 25-year-old girl, having droopier boobs than a grandmother who had birthed nine children, breasts certainly mattered, especially to an aesthetically conscious bulimic. arranging my breasts to look “good” was more important than correcting my gingivitis. breasts or teeth?
i’ve recently begun to promote this blog site through my twitter account, sadly observing commentary such as, “time to get bulimic, prom is next week!” and “seeking tips on how to be bulimic, help!” the same generic professional advice exists as it did when i started, over 12 years ago. in fact, pro-eating disorder websites seem to greatly outnumber professional assistance sites. i always knew that i’d one day use my experiences to help others, and now i have that chance.
girls, look at my photographs. avoid this! love your bodies, enjoy exercise, embrace nutritious food . . . and drink a gin martini! the alcohol calories won’t hurt you. 🙂
i hope this article proves my desire to raise awareness about eating disorders. i know what i’m talking about. when i’ve proven my credibility and dedication to this cause, please subscribe to my blog and follow me on twitter @nicolemstory9.
with raw love,
nicole
© nicole marie story and nicoleandgwendolyn.com, 2011.
I am very, very proud of you!
cindy, your comment means the world to me! heart you very much! 🙂
It’s definitely hard to remark here. I feel a shy embarrassment having seen you so vulnerable, especially considering the origins of our friendship tracing back so long. Even in high school/college, particularly in the later years when we actually hung out relatively frequently, I had suspicion of these tendencies, yet I was certainly afraid to ask you directly about them. I don’t know if the 19/20 year old Chris and Nicole could have had an honest conversation, but now I wonder if it would have been worth having. When you left Westminster, I felt saddened by the loss of our friendship but relieved I no longer thought about the issue. As I became more educated and aware of the severity of these diseases, I did not enjoy the thought of having such a conversation.
In the years that followed, I remained fearful and neglected to ever say anything when I suspected such behavior with others. It didn’t come up often, but enough to make me consider what I should do. Your project here forces people to consider these issues. What you’re doing does a lot for those with the diseases, but it also does a lot for others. Others who look onto the bodies of others and pass judgment. Others who look and are too fearful to talk to their friends. For a long time I thought the former was much worse. Now I question if there’s much of a difference. Silence is form of judgment as well, I suppose.
Again, I stress that the embarrassment of the issue continues. I wanted to write an hour ago but didn’t have the courage. Partially it’s the fact that I have to admit to my friend I saw her naked, but it’s also due to the realization that clothes often don’t hide the issue.
I did want to leave this with the thought that you really don’t need to prove to anyone that you’re serious. I think even attempting this is serious enough. I hope this is a successful project for you!
thank you, chris. thank you, from the bottom of my heart. do appropriate words exist for response to your touching comment? i will try my hardest . . . leaving westminster and my friends was one of the lowest moments caused by this disease. i am so grateful for your forever friendship, and i am happy to know that your wife will never need worry about being aesthetically judged. that said, having come to terms with bulimia, i am happy about the course of my life. without having experienced the disease, i wouldn’t have gwendolyn, and i therefore wouldn’t have these stories to share for giving strength to others. there are so many out there. each time that i receive another email, from a beautiful young girl, about their own struggles, i realise that i needed this experience from life university in order to educate and to lead. i hope that you’ll consider my credentials amongst the ranks of those worthy of the right to lead, like you, my friend forever. 🙂
I am so proud of you Nicole for being so open about bulimia. I know there are others out there that need your help. xoxoxo your friends Herbie and Sandy
to our friends herbie and sandy, your encouragement and kind words are very special to us! thank you for your forever friendship and for sticking by us through this blog release! 🙂 love, gwendolyn and nicole
seldom in life have i authentically encountered…Holiness…(puddles immediately emerge as i struggle to re-focus my vision)…you have allowed me/us to be humbled by your raw honesty…and like a mirror it helps us/me see…see more clearly…for that gift…i thank you..truly. there are old spiritual traditions that require reciprocity in regard to these things…so!
afflicted with a disease called myasthenia gravis…characterized by muscle weakness (read that as: muscle failure), respiratory depression, and generalized muscle fatigue…i struggled with what is clinically known as a…myasthenic crisis…2 weeks following an attempt at corrective surgery…pathology results later also indicated the presence of cancer…this confluence of circumstance allowed me to experience…”Holiness”…in an empty church…i was fighting for my life..but it morphed into my “burning bush”…..i was humbled (and nearly broken) at the Presence of this Holiness…
i also once encountered Holiness…at a public ceremony at Arlington National cemetery…it was the changing of the military color guard at the tomb of the Unknown Soldier…there it was again (for me)…the realism of death and the realism of the sacrificial offerings made by others…on my behalf….in a condolence letter to a mother who had lost 3 of her sons to war…President Lincoln called it “the altar of freedom”..again, i was humbled by the Presence of Holiness…
as i have silently sat…read…and quietly looked…you have allowed us to look into something Holy…your LIFE…iconic images…a time capsule of sorts…breaking the fallow ground of the mundane…permitting the resurfacing of the same emotions i had…in the church…and…at the tomb…
my experience is small…but it seems…s i l e n c e…accompanies Holiness…what i have experienced here…reading…seated on a lone bar stool in a near empty room…the puppy at my feet…asleep and at peace…far removed i sit…silenced…gazing at a pixel rich pc screen…deeply moved…affected…silenced…yet in my heart i want to cry out…PEACE…or perhaps…SHALOM….fortunately, the Holiness of Presence is stronger than my foolish thought of speaking out…so i’ve just sit…quiet, and silent…allowing the room fans and cell phone notifications to gradually return to my consciousness…while the ebb & flow of my tears continue…and the silence persists…as stillness pervades the room…
today, bloggdom is blessed…like the icons within a Byzantine Catholic Church were begun as encouragement for reflection and deeper contemplation among mostly illiterate parishioners…so it has been for me today at nicoleandgwendolyn.com…while i’m admittedly illiterate of the subject matter i am very aware that you have created a environment where Holiness visited…THAT is amazing…your humbled, and grateful friend…
i am working on the reply to your beautiful message. please stay tuned. 🙂
Nicole, you are so brave. And so beautiful. Thank you for sharing what so few would be able to.
vlmd, it is my honour and duty to share this information. thank you, as always, for your super kind words. we are so grateful! 🙂 xoxo
“So that others may live” is a call to sacrifice of self for the benefit and survival of others. Your actions, words and pictures are an amazing embodiment of this call that you have well answered.
I am forever humbled by you.
eric, i only hope that i can live up to your comment. wow. thank you. – nicole
You are by far the bravest person I have ever had the privilege to know. The commitment, honesty, courage, and initiative it took to create this defines a leader, survivor, and a true human. You leave me to belief that the world must have a balance, that we all have our angel’s and our demon’s, and that God does have a plan for each of us…
Those who are not as strong as you suffer a different kind of fate, they are the weak. They know they have a problem, but can do nothing about it. They indulge in short term fixes, that do not help, and are too proud to ask others for help or share their “learning experiences”. These individuals are overcome by severe anxiety and depression (just to name a few) and are not God’s chosen survivors and leaders like yourself. Those of us must step aside and go elsewhere to leave room for those like yourself.
Godspeed Nicole
“Life in a blackout is like life in a storm, when you finally come out and you see that you’re all alone”
adam, you are forever my good friend. i can always count on your support. thank you, from the bottom of my heart. 🙂
Only knowing what a kind soul you are now and never suspecting what you have been through, I am humbled by your bravery. You are strong and kind. You will be well and stay well. You have now been given a gift to help others who are still suffering.
dawn, thank you so much for this beautiful comment. when you questioned me about my weight loss in january, i wanted to respond, “it’s because i’m six months into no more bingeing and purging . . . and my body has corrected itself,” but i couldn’t. now you know, and i’m so happy to be honest about it. thank you for reading my blog. i will see you at yoga! 🙂
Your honesty is amazing.
dogs do that to a girl. 🙂
Nicole,
I am very glad that you are past all of this. It takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there in this way. I know you have been told before, but you are one of few who will actually speak of their bulimia, & if it weren’t for people, such as yourself, sharing their stories, then there would be many more struggling through this disease. I had never planned on being bulimic, and your unfortunate struggle through this has reinforced my plan. I will definately use your story if I encounter another bulimic I can help, if you don’t mind. I am very sorry that you had to go through this. I suppose someone has too in order to make others aware of the problem. I can’t imagine how emotional it must be to write these entries, I believe you can move on past this completely if you haven’t already. Stay Strong. (:
-Your Cousin,
Katie
katie, i am humbled by your beautiful feedback. you are wise beyond your years. your age group is the group who will benefit most from this information, and i am privileged to have your readership. gratefully, your cousin, nicole 🙂
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Thanks for sharing. Even though the images are censored, I can see what a big difference the surgery made. I need a lift, too. How was the recovery (aside from the anesthesia sickness)?
i will email you with the real images! i don’t want to offend my mama! 🙂
the recovery was wonderful, and i’d do it again, in a heartbeat, if it yielded mental sanity.
having droopy breasts at 25 was not pleasant.
actually, now that i think of it, i was outside walking with gwendolyn (who was then a puppy) on the very next day. she kept me moving, and i think that aided in my quick return to all things normal.
i worked from home for a week, and then i was back in action.
if you’re in pittsburgh, then i recommend dr. agha at the hurwitz center for plastic surgery! he was my doctor, and he’s cute, too! 🙂
I, too, have duck-taped my breasts.
because of comments like this, i am writing about this subject. i have just added your blog to my aggregator, and i will be following your page closely. thank you, so much, for visiting and for being so honest. i look forward to learning about you. x
You may be the bravest blogger I know. You are fearless in your devotion to education and intelligent enough to recognize the reality of your situation.
I write to relived my stress. You write to save your life, to give a voice to your pain and suffering. You’re a special person Nicole. I hope you find someone who truly appreciates that.
my brain is so rendered useless by this comment. thank you, the hook. thank you. 🙂
Sorry, that was supposed to be “relieve my stress’! My typing skills leave a lot to be desired!
peaceful ending – nicoleandgwendolyn.com
[…] (note: sharing this ugly image is more difficult than sharing my bulimic breasts). […]
Nicole
A very bravely written article. x
Sweet love … i know what i’m talking about too! But this is AWESOME stuff. I’m trying to be BOLD FACE NASTY honest with my stuff … to make sure no one WANTS to be bulimic or anorexic. It is suicide in a porcelain box. It’s isolating, it tears your throat apart, you lose teeth, you spend thousands on food and doctors AND you go unnoticed — as you said. Rock – it girl! I want to help to.
Our honesty and bravery I pray helps!!!!
xoxoxo meliss
P.S. love your puppy too! Course i do!
“suicide in a porcelain box.”
couldn’t have said that any better myself! x
I know this is an older post but I was very curious as I’ve also noticed a difference in my breasts. I have incredibly small boobs as it is. Even when I was 184 lbs I wasn’t even a B. (You know those crazy in-between bra sizes like “Nearly B?” That was me.) I’m back down to a AA (which is what I’ve always been) but the biggest difference I notice is the lack of perkiness they used to have. They’re not flat by any means, but have a tiny slope they never had before. I’m probably the only person who would even notice this, but it did bother me. Since I’ve raised my weight from 120 to 125 and held steady there I’ve noticed my breasts are just about back to where they should be in perkiness and I’m far happier. Thanks so much for sharing your story! Its always great to know you’re not alone!!
your honesty has humbled me with absolute gratitude. thank you, MissPistachio, for offering this honest feedback. this particular “bulimic breasts” post receives many hits each day; so my original article + the existing comments + your new comment are getting into the brains of young girls on the verge of entering the blasphemous world of eating disorders. and perhaps we are preventing something that would otherwise inflict their lives for years to come. that’s why i’m blogging. and i think that’s one of your objectives, too. i am adding your website to my “favourite healthy blog” listing right this very moment. x
Wow. I am so impressed with your honesty & your passion to help others.
I can relate. I can relate. I can RELATE!!!
Glad I stumbled upon your blog.
i am likewise glad to have stumbled upon yours!
thank you for this feedback. it truly means so much.
please expect nothing but honestly raw blogging + cute pictures of my dog in the future, morning girl! 🙂 x
You are a brave and generous woman to share your experience with the world.
i thank you for this comment! i think that anyone willing to read through this particular post is brave and generous. x
You’re honesty and propensity to take such risks in your writing is pretty awesome.
mike, the feeling is mutual!
“I’m a gay, urban, professional who works in San Francisco and lives in the East Bay. I have a passion for leadership, technology, and communication. I work for FedEx Office by day and I’m a defender of queers by night!”
i still can’t get over that wonderful snippet into your life. thank you for writing about your passion. your blog has been inspiring me everyday! x
I’ve respect of you. It’s a honour for me to read your blog.
i am honoured and flattered to have your readership. i shall be reviewing your blog later this afternoon. thank you for this beautiful comment. xxx
bulimic goggles – nicoleandgwendolyn.com
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